I've been so lazy I can't even be bothered to read people's full blog entries anymore, just skim through :X (Sorry Wolfy the stuff you talk about are on a different frequency as me)

So I've just finished one week of school today, since our tutorials end one week later. I'm like veryveryvery tired but i don't know why either.

It's so hard to get to sleep each night. Yaknow the feeling of heavy eyes, tired body, but the mind's just so active you can't calm down?

& my left eye's been twitching since last Thursday. So I finally got fedup & went to google it & so they say it's lack of sleep T_T

I think I need lessons on how to survive on less than eighthours of sleep a day :X
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So the modules this semester are really challenging for me. Don't know if I can even safely get through this semester. People think I'm smart or what, or that I worked hard last semester that's why I scored so well (in my standards) for my GPA, but I know that none of this is solely hard work. A big (very very very big) part is because of my wonderful groupmates, especially Juu&Violet whom I worked with for almost every project. Without their help & their encouragement I would've just fainted halfway (I wish!) & got another all-time-low GPA filled with Cs & Ds.

I've gotten pretty greedy. Used to be just happy with passing, especially since my mama just hopes I'll pass & not stress myself out, but with good results I just want more.

&&& when I start off the semester with the intention of trying to keep my GPA, I see the modules & my mind goes BAM!

Pure darkness.
Yes the future looks that bleak to me.
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Nowadays, it's even harder to try to stay focused. I'm lagging behind in everything but I have no will to even work hard.

It's pure LAZINESS, & helplessness that has grown&grown&grown.

Most of the time I don't know why I go to school for. Questioned myself whether I chose the correct course tenmilliontimes, & still can't say YES with belief.

I'm no good at anything. Terrible at individual stuff, with Groupwork everyone helps me out. Without groupwork, I'm probably nothing.

Even though I've held on to my dreams, honestly I don't really have the faith I can make it.

I'm no good at anything.
I like to do what I want to do, but I don't seem to be any good at them at all. & recently this thought has been coming stronger & clearer to me.

Two years, two modules of Location Video Production & TV Studio Production, & I've only gotten Bs for both, not even a B+.

Gawd & what can I hope for the future.

In the past, whenever I felt helpless, I could at least tell myself, "Nevermind Wenmei, work hard through these modules. Nevermind if you only really enjoy one module. You have to work hard for these nine others because that one module is really worth working hard for."

But suddenly, I don't even know if it's worth to work hard towards that one module if I'm no good at it.

I once thought I would've quit Mass Communication in Year One if I did badly for Semester 1.2. Turns out I scored average, at least better than my first semester.

But even now, if I think of quitting, I don't know where to turn to. Because for the past three years or more, I've only had this one dream.

People say it's not wise to enter Mass Communication being too focused & "caged" by one ambition. For me, even after 1.5years, I still don't see myself wanting to do anything other than production.

I don't know, I don't know. I DON'T KNOW.
I don't know anything.

Just that when I feel tired & helpless, I want to be able to tell myself that I have a goal.

& that that goal is attainable.